A Dream, My very first love, 60 years ago.

I was holding a heavy bag of grocery walking along a quiet freeway. Not too many cars were driving by.  My bag seemed getting heavier and heavier. How I wished if there was some kind driver could stop by and offer me a ride.

Suddenly a familiar looking  gentleman appeared next by my side. “Mura, let me hold your bag.” he said.

“Mura!?”That was Johnny!?  60 years ago, the only one person who always call me Mura. He said he like to call me Mura,” There may be hundreds of Myra I may meet in my life. But Mura is the only one I love”.  I felt a little dizzy! I was confused!

I tried my very best to control myself not to hug him on an impulse. But could not help to shout aloud: “Oh! My good heavens! Johnny! Is that you? Where have you been all these years ?”

He looked at me calmly with a smile. Did not say a word as if we were together yesterday. Quietly,  he took the grocery bag away from my hands!

What a surprise! It WAS Johnny! My very first boyfriend when I was 22.  He looked just as handsome and friendly and clam as the days we were together!

He was quiet. Smiling. Did not answer my question.  I couldn’t think of anything else to say at that very moment. Even there were thousands of questions I wanted to ask him. But I didn’t know where and how to begin with. Just walking quietly with him.

I did not know how did we get into that house. There we were standing at a kitchen counter! Johnny  pull out a blue travelling bag from under the dining table and put it on the table. I noticed there was a white Pan Am logo on it. He un-zipped it and said to me,” Mura! Here are your groceries. I put a little something in the bag for you on your way home.”

“On my way home?” I said to myself.

” Yes! I’ll drive you home! Mura.” He said.

” Drive me home?” I got totally confused. He never drove……..

Johnny sat in the driver seat. It was a Van. Many other passengers were in the van before I got in. The only seat that was not taken was at the very end. So far away from Johnny.

I was disappointed  and  miserable.

How I wished if I could sit behind Johnny! There were thousands and millions of things I wanted to talk about. But there was only the bag of groceries bag with me, the bag Johnny gave me. I peeked into the bag. In addition to my groceries, I saw a tin box of cookies, which was one of my favorite. Some bottled water and the chocolate that I used to be crazy about!

I looked at Johnny’s back and wished to say thanks to him. But he was so far away and totally absorbed in driving.

Tears running down my cheeks…………..

My pillow was wet in the morning!

This was the only dream I ever had in 60 years after I stopped receiving Johnny’s letters.

We had dates! But totally differently from nowadays young people’s dating. We went to movies, we walked in the park, we went to the coffee bar. When there was no one around we held hands, we hugged, we kissed. Those were too much over the limits for me in the 60s in China.

For those, I felt sinful. I went to confession one day. Father Gregory, a Portuguese Jesuit was my spiritual consoler. I told him I have sinned. I have a boyfriend, we hugged and kissed. Father asked:”Then?”

“Then?……” I was surprised.

“Yes! Then what else did you do?” Father continued.

What else could we do? Would those be worse enough? I thought.

. “No!” I answered honestly.

“Those were OK! Those are not sinned. But just be aware those may lead you into sin. don’t overdo it. You should know when to stop! Otherwise, you will be fine!”

That was why I always said to Johnny: “OK! That’s for today. Let’s save the others for next time.” Sometimes we bumped into each other on the street, Johnny always said: “Don’t forget the ones we saved for the next time!” Loud and sound. That always embarrassed me no end and made me blushed!

We went to movies. When it’s empty after the show. Johnny always walked behind me and hold out his arms on each side of my soldiers to protect me from the jam-packed crowds.

When we sat in the park, he always spread out his handkerchief on the bench for me to sit.

If there was a  sudden shower when we were outdoors, he always took off his outer garment cover my head and shoulders.

Sometimes he bring me some of my favorite snacks

He read my mind. Do things for me before I said.

One weekend He did not come to see me. That night I received his express mail. He told me that day was his birthday. On his birthdays he usually not going anywhere except go to work. For us Chinese  always say: ” A child’s birthday was a mother’s suffering day.” At our birthdays we should give our mother some gift to thank her for bringing us to the world on her sufferings. If the mother died, we should close the door and think of her and make a self-examination. To see if we had done anything that disgraced our mother. We often hear people say that, but not too many people do the way as Johnny did. Even I myself. I was always brought my mother something she liked.

In short, I was totally fascinated. I wish someday we could get married. I’ll be a good wife and so proud and happy to be with him.   I was even imagining if we’ll have children, how would they look like!

Johnny went to another city for a new job. Working for Pan Am as an office employee. He wrote me a letter every day with express mail. Express mail usually delivered in the evenings in our area. Every evening was the happiest time for me to read his letter. Occasionally mail delivered at day time, my younger sister would pick it up running to me and say “Love letter! Love letter!” loudly to let everybody in the house know it!  We never said “love” to each other. For Chinese, we do not say “I love you!”. But from the concerns and attentiveness we show to each other, tells how much we loved each other. Johnny’s letters showed all of them.

After Johnny left two weeks or so, suddenly I stopped receiving any mail from Johnny. No matter what I wrote, it would like to through a rock into the ocean. There was no respond. Sometimes I thought the mailman didn’t drop the mail into the mailbox instead he through the mail over the fence. They did that sometimes! The mail could be scattered everywhere in the yard. Sometimes the mail may be landed into my Jasmine bush. Will not be seen days later. I pushed aside every branch of the jasmine to try my luck. But never was any! We had a dog “Lily” She was quite naughty, she may torn paper sometime. but there was no torn paper in the yard at all.  There was nothing I can do. You could imagine my feelings!

Johnny was disappeared!

4 years later I married to Peter. My Sweetheart.

One day I was visiting my parents with our 2 years old. I didn’t know how and where did he found a picture of me wearing a blue dress I made it myself.

“Mom, mom, is this you?”

“Yes! That was me!” I stared at the picture. It was taken almost 7 years ago before Johnny moved to the other city to take his new job. I bought two necklaces at the gift shop in our church. A small shield-like plate with a cross in the middle. I give the blue cross one to Johnny. He put the red one on my neck.  That day we passed by a studio. Johnny thought it would not be a bad idea if we take a picture. So as if we see each other every day. That was my idea too. We took two sets of pictures:  one with us together one of Johnny and one of me. Each get a set. But where were the others?

I asked my mother if I can see the other two.

“The other two?” My mother said. “I burned them along with all the letters he mailed to you” My mother said calmly.

“What?” I could not believe what I’ve heard.
“Yes!” My mother said quietly. ” And also  I wrote him told him don’t ever write you anymore. I could not allow my daughter to marry someone who has a brain tumor and become a young widow soon after the marriage.  All the letters he mailed later, no matter to you or to me, I burned them all. Because I know you so well. If you find out he would not live too long. you will propose to marry him right away.” …………………………………….

People say “if you dreamed of someone, it could happen that you had thought of that person the day before. I loved Johnny deeply but not thinking of him too often. Not the day before the dream.

Well, honestly,  I do think of him sometime. After all, he was the very first love in my life!

Once for all

I could not remember how many times I been in and out that chapel in a hospital. But it happened once, only once!

God came to me when I needed Him the Most.

That was about half year later after my stroke. I  was almost beaten by my disability.

That day, with a depressing and sad heart I rolled over to that chapel and pray.

There was no one else in the chapel when I went in. I parked my motor chair which I bought not long ago next to a chair. Slowly I transferred into that chair. The quietness made me felt God’s presence. Like a hurt child came to her parent. I bowed down my head and cried. At that very moment, how badly I wished if I could drop my kneels on the kneeler. Tears running down my checks. I couldn’t think of anything to say to God. Just keeping on saying “Our Father” and “Hail May”.

A young man came in when my tears were running. He walked to the Holy cabinet to put back the Holy Eucharist. A strong desire rose up in my heart. ” Go forth and ask for the Holy Communion!”

My eyes were fixed on his movements.  The young man closed the Holy Cabinet door and took the key out from his pocket. My! There was no time for me to give a second thought. Quickly I wiped off the tears from my face and struggling to stand up from the wooden chair. Some ugly squeaky noise came from the legs of the chair. That sweet young man turned around and facing me with wide opened eyes.

“Do you need any help?”

“No!” I said. ” But may I have Holy Communion?”

“Yes! ” briefly he answered. He bowed his head down before he opened the cabinet. After the door was open, he held the Holy Chalice with both hands and walked to me with steady steps.

My! Oh my! Jesus came to me! There was no word could describe the feelings I had the moment when Jesus was in me. I heard a tiny voice in my heart:

“Here I am, Myra!”

Indescribable Joy and happiness filled up my heart, my mind, my entire being! The feeling I had never had before.

That “once”, the only “once” is nourishing me until now, 15 years later, and the days to come!

He is with me.

Thanks to God.

Praise the Lord!